Monday, October 19, 2009
Hope You Know We Had A Hard Time.
Still here. Today I am discouraged. Anne still can't manage eating. This makes me want to cry. You think having a kid is going to be hard but you never think your perfect little baby will be in the NICU for more than a month, not be able to eat on her own, and on top of that have some ambiguous brain malformation that only heaven knows how it will affect her. To say I am stressed is an understatement. I am so very good at masking my emotion and telling my self to soldier forward. Only maybe two people on this planet really know how much of a hard time I am having with everything. Daily functions are difficult. Waking up is difficult. Watching my baby struggle to learn and still not get it is difficult. Worrying if this will be her everyday for the rest of her life is difficult. She tries so hard and wants to eat so bad and we work at it for hours and then we weigh her and nothing... hours of nothing. Forget remembering to brush teeth, shower, do chores, sort laundry, talk to my family... doesn't happen. My saving grace right now is Andrew. He feels everything I feel. I love him. It hurts when he is having a hard time too. He does so much for me to show me he loves me. I want so bad to make everything OK for him, for Anne. Its hard. I can't. So I'm sorry to all of you who need me to function, because I can't. The only people I can handle functioning for right now are Anne and Andrew. Please have mercy on me and be patient. I'm trying. Most days I do OK but today I can't and that's all there is. For all of you who are so anxious to add notes of encouragement... I know. Don't say it, but thank you. PS I promise I'm not depressed and I still know the church is true and I still have a testimony of the tender mercies of the Lord. Just needed someone besides those two people to know.
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3 comments:
uhg, I wish I could just hug you right now! And come sort your laundry or something else to ease your burden! I love you Shiloh! PS being a mommy is hard, even when it's easy! This is a ruff way to start, but you will grow into it a little more every day!
Shiloh I am so so sorry you are struggling. Of course you are though, what you are going through is really difficult and it's healthy to let people know. And even if you WERE depressed that would be fine.
I wish Nate and I were there to do more for you guys. I know there's not a lot we could do, but I wish we could do something. You are all in our prayers. At one point recently when I was having a hard time we went to the temple and I happened to run into a woman whose husband is in the stake presidency. When I mentioned that I actually was having a hard time adjusting and missing my twin she said "You just always have to remember, it is only for a season." You are doing so great, and just keep remembering that everything that you are going through right now will only be for a season. Even if sweet Anne will need help her entire life, you guys will adjust, and life will seem easier than it is right now. The emotional and physical stress on you right now IS only for a season. You can do it. You already know that, but sometimes it's nice to be reminded I think.
In spite of what some people say, sometimes cheesecake IS the answer.
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